Velvet Evidence Agency

Client alleges that a “really important flannel,” red-and-black buffalo check, was last seen in the possession of a woman she describes as “not my ex, technically.” The flannel was reportedly a gift from the client’s previous ex, which is apparently relevant. It always is.

“She said she didn’t have it. Then she wore it to brunch. In front of me. At a table I could see from the parking lot. She knew I was in the parking lot.”

Surveillance confirmed the flannel was worn to three additional brunches and one open mic night. The subject has since customized it with iron-on patches. We are exploring whether this constitutes emotional larceny under the guidelines set by the Ex-Girlfriend Archive’s Property Reclamation Advisory.

Joint investigation with the Department of Temporal Affairs. A woman filed a complaint that her girlfriend was “emotionally cheating on her with a past version of herself.” Temporal Affairs confirmed a Class 3 paradox loop. The girlfriend in question had used an unauthorized timeline amendment to re-attend their first date seventeen times.

“She kept texting me ‘I love our first date’ and I thought she was being romantic. She was being literal. She was having seventeen of them. Concurrently.”

Evidence logged includes seventeen identical receipts from the same restaurant, a paradox permit that was never filed, and a handwritten note from Temporal Affairs reading: “Please stop. This is not what the timeline amendment system is for.”

Status: Classified by Temporal Affairs. Margaux has retained a copy of the file. She always retains a copy.

Client claims that the “entire vibe” of a particular evening was stolen. According to the intake form, the evening in question involved “a very specific playlist, ambient lighting that took forty-five minutes to set up, a candle that smelled exactly right, and a woman who showed up and immediately said ‘this is nice’ in a tone that meant it wasn’t.”

“The vibe was there at 9:14 PM. By 9:16, it was gone. She ruined it by acknowledging it. You can’t just say ‘this is nice.’ You have to let it be nice.”

Our atmospheric analysis division has confirmed a vibe disturbance at the reported time and location. The candle in question has been entered into evidence. It no longer smells right. Cross-referencing with the Cottagecore Threat Assessment Bureau’s database of compromised ambient environments.

Client suspected her ex was deliberately shopping at the same farmer’s market every Saturday to “make a point.” The point, as far as the client could articulate, involved buying heirloom tomatoes while looking unbothered.

Four weeks of surveillance revealed that the ex was, in fact, simply buying tomatoes. She did not appear unbothered. She appeared to be a person buying tomatoes. The client was not satisfied with this conclusion.

Referred to the Cottagecore Threat Assessment Bureau for a supplementary agricultural-proximity evaluation. Their report came back: “The tomatoes are just tomatoes. The farmer’s market is a public space. This is not a threat. Please stop calling us about this.”

Margaux’s note: “She was right. Nobody buys heirloom tomatoes that casually. Case closed but I’m not convinced.”

Client received a mixtape (digital, Spotify playlist link in an unmarked envelope) from an unknown sender. Track listing analysis reveals an escalating emotional arc from “I’m fine” (Tracks 1–4) to “I’m not fine” (Tracks 5–9) to “come back” (Tracks 10–14) to a single 11-minute ambient track titled “I Didn’t Mean It.”

“The tracklist doesn’t lie. Someone out there is not over it. The question isn’t who sent it. The question is which of the client’s seven exes has a Bandcamp account and access to an 11-minute ambient synth piece about regret.”

Cross-referencing with the Ex-Girlfriend Archive’s Emotional Correspondence Registry. Three of the seven exes have been ruled out on the basis of “not having that kind of taste.”